Post Fri Feb 23, 2018 12:00 am


A few more corrections and suggestions

Rat Hole/Steave
- An option is to ask him “I was wondering whether someone living in a place like this can afford a dog.” and he replies “Look, who's talking about manners. That bastard stole...” As the player line doesn't include a reference to manners, I think he should say “Who's talking about affording? That bastard stole...” or “Who's talking about owning/pets?...”.


Peter the farmer
- To “Tell me about Sedit” he replies “Sedit is a caravan town. Everyone here's living off of it. Whether...” Perhaps remove the “of” or “Everyone here's making a living of it.”
- When pissing him of “I don't like your tone...” he replies “I don't know which dump you came here from, but...” I would say “...which dump you've come from, but...” or “I don't know from what dump you've crawled all the way here, but around these parts we don't tolerate this kind of behaviour. The cops like it peaceful around here, and for lil' tramps like yourself we have only two things – jail or kicking the bucket. And their ain't much difference, I'm telling ya. So you better...”

Notice board
- The paper that looks least noticeable says: “Frederyk's Dream company located in Short Lane recruits...” As it's a road and not a place it should say “...on Short Lane...”.
- The paper with the largest handwriting says: “The best caravan company of Hub...” Needs a “the” before Hub. Considering the place is gone it could also say “of the old Hub”.

A few suggestions for the text window messages:
“The cops beat the hell out of you first and threw you into the cell afterwards.” First and afterwards seems too much. You may use “you, before throwing..cell.”. Or perhaps: “The cops beat the hell out of you first, then (dragged you off into/dumped your (beaten) body in) one of the cells.”
“You awoke to the sounds from the cell next door. The cops have just beaten another prisoner with rifle butts.” Perhaps “You awoke to some (clamour/noise) in the cell next door. By the sound of it another prisoner was beaten with rifle butts.”
“You were released. To say good-bye one of the cops hit you in the stomach.” Perhaps: “You were released. As a (last/final gesture/farewell present) one of the cops (hit/punched you in the/placed his boot in your) stomach.”

- Asking him about “The history of Sedit” he replies (both dispositions) “I don't know much about the time...It was Nicol who managed to get a firm grip on things, if I may say it so. She...” I think it is more common to just say “if I may say so”.
- Asking him about “How do I get to him [Sheriff]” he replies (rude disposition) “You? Bah, you'll hardly...if you have any business with the police go the station and...” It's missing a “to” after go.
- A reply option is “I don't like the way you speak to me! I think I'll blow your brain out of your head”. Putting a “right” after brain feels more natural.
- Asking Gregory about “Can you tell me more about the town council” he replies (both dispositions) “As I've said the members are all owners of caravan companies...Still, to agree sometimes seems an unimaginable problem and so they only meet in exceptional cases. They met quite...” . Perhaps: “...Still, to agree can require unusual amounts of time (and effort), and as such they prefer to keep their meetings to exceptional cases only. They met quite...”. Or “Still, as agreeing can become an extensive conundrum, they can only afford to meet (occasionally and only in cases of exceptional importance) in exceptional cases. They met...
- Asking him about “[Sedit] In what way?” he replies (friendly disposition) “I'm surprised someone hasn't told you already. Some...It's purpose is to make decisions with relation to the town. Frederyk managed to influence its establishment, so now we have...” Perhaps “ to make any decisions regarding the town. Frederyk managed to gain influence on its/the establishment, so now we...”
- Asking him about “Who runs this town?” he replies (friendly disposition) “The decisions relating to town are in the hands of the three...The role of the police then is to secure order...” Perhaps “Any decisions (relating to/regarding) town business are in the hands of the three...The role of the police is to secure order...”
- Asking him about “What happened?” he replies (friendly disposition) “Falcon's Flight was becoming a frequent...council voted 2 to 1 for Sheriff to place special...” Needs a “the” before Sheriff.
- Asking him about “Demetre” he replies (friendly disposition) “Demetre is a dangerous...His caravans are the ones most frequently getting attacked because they take the shortest routes. They...” Perhaps for clarification “...His caravans are the ones most frequently under attack, because, regardless of the risk and danger, they always take the shortest routes. They...”
- Asking him about “Why Sedit?” he replies (friendly disposition) “I'm sure they all had their reasons...Moreover Sedit offered same possibilities as the Hub...” Missing a “the” before same.

- Another well written character, like so many really.

- Question “You've got something against Big Guns?” she replies “They're useless...with animals you can use the rest of for food. With...” Perhaps “...the rest of it for food...” or “...the rest for food...”

- When approaching her as part of the Tyler Morrow quest, and not having spoken to her yet. Her dialogue is the one reacting to having seen me at the (ambush) meeting (for) with Frederyk. And one of my reply option is “Can't we really settle this...” The “really” seems off (a bit like asking a second time) and should be removed, or say “just” instead.

- Talking about the Hub and asking “There wasn't anyone to defend it?” he says “Shit, you kidding me?! There was a lot of us, but it wasn't no childs play!...[Note: Correcting Demetre's slang seems like a bad idea, (creative direct speech), but in this case it would be “Shit, you're kidding me?! There were a lot of us, but it was no fucking child's play!...[Note: but the original slang may suit him better]...When we saw with Keri that the Hub was finished...[Note: But I would change this one to “When me and Keri saw that the Hub was finished...”] we left...”.

- When talking about Demetre, agreeing with her (the retard comment) and then apologizing “Forgive me. Please, let's start anew. How is it with the work?” (which may change to “Forgive me. Please, let's start again. How do I go about the work?”), her reply is “Okay relax. If you keep talking shit like this...” The relax seems to refer to herself (she is the one agitated), or both and should change to “[to herself] Okay relax. [to you] But if you keep...” or “Okay, let's relax. But if you keep...”. The second version may be better.
- If saying “What's the matter?” Her reply is “It's not enough to say it five times already! I'm about to snap and when I do,...” This should say something like “(Apparently) It's (apparently) not enough (to have said it/that I've told him) 5 times already! I'm about to snap and when I do,...”.
- Her reply to “What are you going to do then.” is “I don't even know myself...I can't live with the old bastard any more. I'd probably end up blown to bits by a bomb left at the toilet sooner or later anyway.” I would remove the “anyway”, it feels a bit too definitive. You may also replace “sooner or later anyway” with “...I can't live with the old bastard any more. I'd probably end up blown to bits by a bomb left (at/on?) the toilet if I hang around (any longer/for too long).” or shorter: “...any more. (If I stay) I'd run the risk of getting blown to bits by a bomb left on the toilet (if I do).” Or, the one I like “any more. If I do, I'd probably end up blown to bits by a bomb left at the toilet." and perhaps add "(and (that) rather sooner than later)."
- When asking “What happened?” “she replies “Mutants. Fucking supermutants. When Master was killed...” Needs a “the” before master.
- If asking her “What?” She says: “He's more and more dangerous! He's...He probably has a loose screw....even I would love to kick the world in the ass, provided I knew where the world's butt is.” I'm sure it needs to be “screw loose” and the last could consider to avoid the repetition “...even I would love to kick the world in/up the ass, provided I knew where it is (to find it)." Or "...provided (I knew how to/I could) find (the/a) place to stick my boot in).” but it's a matter of opinion. If you repeat I wouldn't mind to use ass twice.
- When offering her orgies etc. she says “Really?! In that case, fuck off, not interested.” and oneself replies “You don't know what you are passing, your bad.” I think it needs a “up on” after passing to become clearer. Or if you don't like that you could use “missing, your bad.” instead.
- Asking her about this place/Sedit and the town council she says “...I guess it's not hard too see those three hardly ever find a common viewpoint.” I would say either “finding” instead “find” or a “that” before those. And you may consider “common ground” instead “a common viewpoint”.
- Her comment on being given the meeting quest by Frederyk: “An obvious trap...or just plain kill him straight.” This seems a bit confused perhaps “just (plain/simply) kill him.” or “(just/simply) kill him straight away.”

- Talking about the job and Keri. If saying “I don't believe you, I'll rather go talk to her.” he replies “As you think.” This is a bit unusual and I would suggest “As you wish.”, “If you think so.” or “Feel free to (try/do so).” or “Go ahead, then.” or “Don't mind me.”
- On the New Hope job he says: Yep, that's it, nice name...Our caravans would travel to them every month, the business would take place. Business profitable for us as well as them. The thing is,...” Is the “business would take place” a new sentence like “...every month. Business would take place. Business profitable for us as well as them. The (only) thing is,...” or the time of month like “...month, at which time the business would take place. Business...”.

- When showing him the Talisman (while the ghoul is still alive): “[Rene looks surprised]...He crawled in here in the middle of a night, seriously wounded...” that should be “in the middle of the night” or “during the middle of the night” or “One night he crawled in here, seriously...”.

- Asking her “What have you done” she replies “The only thing we're guilty of is...we could of died as well...” the “of” before died needs to be a “have”.

Wounded Ghoul
- During the story comes a passage where it says “Due to his serious wounds, his slow reactions give you enough time to stop the knife...” It may be considered to rephrase to “Due to his serious wounds, his reactions are slowed and give you enough time to stop the knife...” or “Slowed by his (mortal) wounds, you have no trouble/difficulty to stop (stopping) the knife in time.”

Mrs. Stapleton
- Question “What happened to the Hub” she says “You really want to hear about it...I've told myself many times I should have died there in my feeble effort to defend.” Perhaps: “..I've told myself many times I should have died there and then.” “Especially as she says shortly before that, that she left before the fighting. Or “...I should have died there in the (futile) attempt to defend my home.”
- After the first purchase (offers holodisks) one can say “Well, I have to say that just your books cost quite a lot.” Perhaps “Well, I have to say your books alone cost quite a lot.”

- There are three different versions of asking “How to get to Lost town.” First: “Is there any other way how to get to Lost Town?”. Second, after “why don't you kill all deathclaws”: “So there's no other way how to get to Lost Town?” and third, after asking “what is in Lost town”: “So there's is no other way how to get there?” It needs to remove the “how” in all three cases.

Lost Town

- Asking “What do you do here?” he says “I'm here to rest and spend my hard-earned money by a good job done before...” restructure to “I'm here to rest and spend my (hard-earned money after/money, hard-earned by) a job well done before...”.
- During the second attempt of hiring he says: “[Gabriel examines you from top to bottom again.] Well...cheapskate when comes to paying.” It needs an “it” after when.
- When asking him about place/Sedit he says “Town crowded with fucking cops...It's a place when a man can breath...” I would replace “when” with “where”.
- Talking about armour he says: “First of all [or directly, i.e. two versions] Get it through your thick skull...but when comes to a fight...” it forgot a “it” after when.
- His comment when entering Main Street: “I might have some I pushed her a little hard so she would act more lively and stir a little more...” A “little hard” sounds like once only and perhaps it should be “a little harder” or “so I gave her a (little) push so she would...”
- Comment on paying him when going after Rodriguez/or the second Sanchez quest: “A guy named Eddie...she was too scared shitless of Rodriguez to run away...” needs to be “she was too scared of Rodriguez to run away” or “she was scared shitless of Rodriguez (and wouldn't run away)...”.
- Comment on paying him when going after Rodriguez/or the second Sanchez quest: “That cunt babbled out everything...Finding him was a piece of a fucking cake...” Remove the “a” before fucking.

- When receiving the quest to kill the ghouls she wants to leave. A reply option is “You want...First I'll teach you a lesson before taking care of Falcon's Flight.” I think the first and before don't go well together, replace “before taking” with “then I'll take”. Or “I'll take care of Falcon's Flight, but first, I'll teach you a lesson.”

It says “It is hard to say how soon or late (if ever) that AIDS, the direct consequence of the HIV virus, will develop.” Perhaps “It is hard to say (when/how long it takes before) AIDS, the direct consequence of the HIV virus, will develop, if ever.”

As usual, feel free to ignore any suggestion you don't agree with.